Brandon and I are smack dab in the middle of another miscarriage. This time we peed on the stick, saw the yes, got our hopes up, and got our hopes dashed.
Sometimes life can be messy. Emotions can get really messy. Messy is not something that most people want to deal with. People want to deal with cookie cutter emotions. Fine. Ok. Doing well. That's all they really want to hear.
So let me answer the question that everyone is asking but no one really wants to hear the real answer. I am not ok. I am not doing well. In fact, honestly, I feel like I am losing my mind. I am mad at my birth mother for birthing 5 children and not taking care of a single one of them. I am mad at God for not answering our prayer and intervening. I am questioning what praying is really suppose to do because obviously it doesn't change his mind. I am questioning my faith. I am wondering if I can really prepare my heart to risk this again. I am angry. I am pissed. I am hurt but yet somehow numb. I am ready for the physical pain to be over with and I am more than ready for the emotional pain to ease. I am tired of holding back tears afraid that I am not ever going to quit crying and I am afraid of feeling like I am losing control.
People don't want to hear that. Instead, they want to hear that I am trusting God to get me through this. That I am leaning on him for the answers. That I am finding my strength in the one who gives it.
It's not that easy folks. It's hard to be transparent. It's hard to be real. It's hard to tell God that you hate him but it's even harder to tell him that you love him when at that moment you don't.
Maybe I am mad at the God that I have made him out to be in my mind.
I just know that I am not ok. I will be. Eventually. One Day. Hopefully soon. But if you are going to ask the question...be ready to deal with the messy answer.
By: Doesn’t matter who you are, this world will leave some battle scars |
SP? OCD? ASD? Just one ME!
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[…] up a lot of the book and a lot of my life. I’m going to link Annie’s
blog right here… http://www.anniefdowns.com/blog/ …because I don’t actually
read i...
5 years ago
6 comments:
You know how I feel about it. I love you and I'm sorry you're going through this again. I don't expect you to rely on God and trust Him because sometimes it's just not about God. Sometimes that egg and sperm weren't meant to fully develop. I don't think God has set you up to be the next Job. I don't think that He's just doing this to see how far you can bend before you break and then He'll jump up and down in Heaven laughing at you once you break. I've never had your experience, so no, I don't know how you feel, but I can relate to being angry with God. I think that's ok and I think He thinks it's ok sometimes. Love you.
i love you and i am so sorry that you and brandon are having to go through this! however, i know that our god would not put something on either one of you that you could not handle. i am praying for both of you.
I love you and I am thinking about you.
big hug. none of this one armed side hug mess.
I've never had a miscarriage, but I did sit naked in my shower (minus the water) and hate my life so much that I wanted it all to end right then and there. But guess what, yesterday I bought a new watch and drank a Starbucks. It doesn't get better over night and I'm not even gonna tell you that it gets better at all because honestly, maybe it doesn't. But, I will say this... eat anything you want. Chocolate, peanut butter, hell even go for some souse and Saltines if that's what you want. You'll appreciate it later.
I know this sucks. And, it makes me so sad that you are having to deal with it. As others have said, no need to say what you think you're supposed to say. Love to you and Brandon.
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